Thursday, January 17, 2013

HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND

I should give classes on this. Most husbands make the mistake that, if they get the big stuff right, the rest will fall into line. Nothing could be further from the truth. Guys, take my word for it, work on the little stuff.

Why? Because wives worry about the little stuff.

I've seen husbands get away with murder. Some of these guys were forgiven by their wives for the most unacceptable behavior that you can imagine - messing around with other women, gambling away the family fortune, drinking excessively and numerous other offenses. Why did they get away with it? Because they did the little stuff right.

What are the big things, what are the little things?

Here are some examples:

Dumping out the trash is a big thing; after dumping the trash, replacing the disposable bag in the trash can is a little thing.

Heating some food for your wife is a big thing; cleaning the splatter from the inside of the microwave is a little thing.

Buttering your wife's toast is a big thing; keeping the crumbs out of the butter is a little thing.

Cooking dinner for your wife is a big thing; cleaning up afterwards is a little thing.

Buying groceries is a big thing; bringing her home a bag of potato chips is a little thing.

Doing the driving on a road trip is a big thing; buying her a bottle of water when you stop to fill up the gas tank is a little thing.

But, there's one more thing.

I'm about to reveal what has never been revealed before and no man, besides me, is remotely aware of this. The one biggest thing that a husband MUST do, without fail, forever and ever, is to ensure that there is an adequate supply of toilet paper in the house. Wives get really testy when they run out of toilet paper. And, for some reason, it's always the husband's fault. This probably goes back to the days of the cave man when men were the hunters and women were the gatherers. Part of the men's hunting duties included picking up toilet paper at the 7-11 after hunting down a saber tooth tiger.

Lastly, wives demand the high quality variety of toilet paper - you know, the stuff that Mr. Wipple likes to squeeze. As a buying guide, remember that if the toilet paper is shiny or has wood chips in it, it's probably not the kind that your wife will be happy about. That's the stuff that they use in the restroom outside the Registry of Motor Vehicles office.

I think I just figured out why the women who work there are so crabby.

Readers, enjoy your day.

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