Saturday, January 24, 2015


Well, Christmas is over and the decorations have been put away until next year. Now we have 279 days until Halloween - the official start of the 2015 holiday. I can't wait to see what next year's Chia Pet will be. The 2014 Chia pet featured Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty. They sold out before I got to the store - oh, crap.

Speaking of gift-giving, here are some thoughts for both of my readers regarding the types of gifts that are appropriate for old farts, defined as those people who are over 50. First of all, give some thought to what older people want and need and what they already have. In order to do that, go into an old fart's home. Just knock on the door - we all love having company and will let you in even if you tell us that you're "Jack the Ripper".

Once you've entered our domain, take a look around, what do you see?


Yep, we old farts have collected more crap over the years than you could possibly imagine. And, despite its tackiness, we display it proudly...even though we're not particularly fond of it.

That said, please follow some rules this year and beyond for buying Christmas gifts for old farts. I'd like to say that there are a bunch of rules to follow and if I were the NFL rules committee I'd submit a list of a couple hundred. So, keeping it simple, I'll boil it down to one rule:

The gift must disappear within a month of Christmas Day.

Here are some great ideas for disappearing gifts:

Food (think sweet and gooey)
Candles (ones that make our bathrooms smell springtime fresh)
Gift cards
Movie tickets
Oil change cards
Restaurant gift certificates
Music (think Beatles - not Kanye West)

For those of you who ignore these rules and give knick-knacks, pictures, household items, snow shovels, etc., please be sure that next Christmas, old farts will turn the tables and re-gift them back to you.

It's how we go Christmas shopping.

Readers, enjoy your day.


About the only saving grace of this weekend (one which there is no football) is the Winter X Games from Aspen. For those of you who have not seen this spectacle, it involves youthful daredevils performing stunts on skis, snowmobiles and snowboards while doing their best to promote the consumption of caffeine and sugar-laced beverages.

Awesome, dudes.

The last two days have featured stunts on the "half pipe" (imagine an inverted irrigation culvert filled with snow).

I won't dwell on the performances (which, by the way, were quite spectacular). Rather, I found the language and descriptors used by the announcers to be unique and colorful. Note: Calling them "educational" may be a bit of a stretch.

"Here he comes. He's entering the pipe. Wow! He just landed a 1440 double-cork three twist, roast beef, chicken salad, between the knees, deflate the football, New Jersey do-si-do. This is insane!"

"Now he's picking up speed. I'm losing my mind - a 1620? You've got to be kidding me. This is insane!"

"Last one. He's taking it to the house. Stand by Axe deodorant is failing. This is so awesome I'm going to stomp on my headphones. This is insane!"

From the half pipe we move on to the next event: snowmobiles. Now, I can understand racing these 450-pound behemoths but launching them off of a ski jump and doing flips in the air? Naw. Admittedly, the snowmobile event doesn't have nearly the depth of tricks of the half-pipe extravaganza. Let's face it - there aren't a whole lot of things you can do while strapped to a Ski-Doo. However, it does share a common feature with the half pipe:

This is insane.

Readers, enjoy your day.

Friday, January 23, 2015


Alright, listen up.

This column is for men only, so if you're a female reading this, STOP RIGHT NOW! What's written here is for guys only.

O.K. guys, are they gone? Good.

Gentlemen, let me bestow upon you the wisdom that my years have brought to me. Ultimately, I want you to have the best Valentine's day ever. Furthermore, I want your wife/woman/partner to have an unforgettable day as well.

Getting to that ultimate goal will require you to realign your thinking and not just a little bit...a lot. So, if you're opposed to changing your evil ways, now's a good time to hit the road.

What I have to tell you involves the use of three little words; ones which women love to hear and men don't say them to them often enough. We balk, we stonewall, we pretend laryngitis, we say that we're busy watching the game.

Anything to avoid saying those three little words.

Yes, it's not in a man's character. Yes, it's not tough. Yes, we men have been pre-programmed to avoid it. But we must learn to say those three little words.

So, here's the program: gentlemen, forget buying the greeting card, candy, flowers and jewelry. Sit down with your woman and hold her hand. Look deeply into her eyes. If you can make your eyes water a bit, now's a good time to do it.

Next, say those three little words that she longs for. You say "Honey...

...I was wrong".

Readers, enjoy your Valentine's day.