I THINK MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR

Explaining this will take a while so bear with me for a few moments. 

I'm a real sucker for lists. All it takes to get my attention is for someone to come out with a new list and I'm hooked. Outdoor magazines have some good ones. "Top ten ways to cut up an Alaskan bull moose" is one of my favorites. Women's magazines also have some good ones such as "Top ten ways to get him to do...you know" or "Top ten places to do...you know". Maybe I'm not real bright but I don't know what "you know" refers to.

This past week I read a list entitled "Top ten ways you know that your wife is cheating on you". I wasn't too concerned about numbers 2 through 10 so I jumped right to #1. What they said made perfect sense. According to this highly reliable source, the #1 thing that signals that your wife is cheating on you is when she puts on lipstick to go for a bike ride. 

Why in blazes would a woman put lipstick on to go out for a bike ride? After about five miles it wouldn't make any difference with the sweat and grime on your face and the bugs between your teeth. Thus, the publication had it dead right - there MUST be something amiss.

So, it was with a high degree of suspicion when the wife said to me over the weekend: "I'm headed out for a bike ride. I just need to put on some lipstick and I'm out the door."

I was so concerned that I re-checked my source. I skipped past the other stories and there it was...the list. Again I looked at the number one way you know if your wife is cheating. And there it was, just as I had remembered it.

Horrors.

Just my luck that the wife is probably involved with a skinny little bike racer who wears the tight shorts and the jerseys with all of the Italian bike logos emblazoned on every square inch. He probably rides his bike twelve months of the year and doesn't own a car. He certainly worships Lance Armstrong and doesn't drink beer, preferring a Perrier in social situations.

Or, it could be worse; the guy could be a snowboarder.

Another possibility is that the Enquirer got this one wrong.


Readers, enjoy your day.