CRUISE

The wife and I are planning a cruise this summer. Yes, I know, it's a rather wimpy vacation but, my last three trips (assisting rebels in Somalia, being a mercenary in the Congo and visiting with the Dalai Lama) kind of took it out of me. Thus, I figure that this will be a good way to recuperate and prepare for my upcoming challenge later this summer - raising the Titanic.

Despite its reputation of being a floating old-age home, cruising has numerous challenges and is well-suited to those seeking a world of danger and adventure. The list of these challenges is too numerous on which to dwell at this writing so I will address but one.

This world of danger and adventure is in the realm of smuggling and piracy on the high seas. It makes the pirates of the Ivory Coast look like the Getalong Gang. This world to which I am referring is that of liquor smuggling.

The dasdardly cruise lines, second only to airlines in their quest for cash, have banned passengers from bringing aboard beer, wine and liquor. This forces passengers to pay vastly inflated cruise prices for their daily happy hours. It used to be that passengers could carry on whatever sort of beverages they wanted. In fact, several years ago a group of four of us carried on two cases of wine. Admittedly, that's a lot of wine but, after all, it was a three-day cruise.

As with all overly restrictive entities, the ban on carry-on booze has created a veritable Sam's Club of products designed to get past the cruise line gestapo which peruses every bottle and vessel of liquid that goes aboard the ship. 

First, there's the Rum Runner, an innocent looking plain plastic vessel into which you pour your liquor and sneak past the inspectors. Not very creative you say? Read on.

Several newer arrivals have caught my eye. The first is called the Beer Belly. It's a plastic bladder gizmo that fits around a man's mid-section. To the untrained eye, the man looks like a guy who is carrying around a few extra pounds. In reality, the bladder is full of Jim Beam and he's headed toward the ship unbeknownst to the cruise inspectors. The next idea is similar but is designed for women. It's cleverly called the "Wine Rack." It's a women's sports bra filled with smuggled liquid. Then there's the "barnoculars." There's even a cane and golf club that can be filled with one's choice of beverage. A new entry is a seat pad. In short, there is no end to the options available to those of us who fancy ourselves as modern day pirates.

The problem is that the cruise lines are well aware of these options and are taking appropriate measures. My first thought was to use a Gatorade bottle filled with clear liquor into which I will add a drop or two of food coloring. Aha! The cruise lines, I am told, have figured out how to beat that one. Seems that alcohol drinks have different types of bubbles that emerge when a vessel is shaken. Thus, the cruise line Nazis will shake a bottle and assess whether the bubbles are of an acceptable variety.

In utter frustration I am approaching the end of my rope and it looks as if I will either have to ante up the dough for expensive booze or experience the novelty of sobriety for a couple of weeks.

There's time left to figure this out.

There has to be a way.


Readers, enjoy your day.