JURY DUTY

After all these many years I have finally been flagged to be on jury duty - and I couldn't be more excited. I've heard that they even pay you for being on a jury. I'll bet it's huge. Maybe even $500 a day + daily lunch expenses of at least $50. You can bet that I'll be going to the local steak house for lunch every day and ordering the steak and lobster.

Man, if I hit the jackpot and get the trial of the century, I may be rich by the time the trial ends sometime in 2014. They might even sequester the jury, putting us up at the Ritz Carlton where we'll be pampered with spa treatments and daily massages, all at taxpayer expense.

"Garçon, another shrimp cocktail, please. And don't be cheap with the cocktail sauce." 

Wine with dinner would be nice also.

"Chateau Lafite 1985? You don't have it? O.K., what about Sutter Home White Zinfandel 2013?"

Beyond the extravagance of daily pampering and fine dining, I'm also looking forward to the trial itself. I'm hoping for a seedy, Hollywood style blockbuster...

...a man comes home from working three jobs and finds his wife in bed with the plumber. Man goes berserk and forces the plumber to do the unthinkable - repair a bathroom faucet for free. Plumber then sues for damages, loss of income and mental anguish. Man counter-sues because faucet still leaks.

The drama will be unbelievable. 

My infatuation with legal trials began very early in life. Growing up, I was fed a steady diet of Perry Mason on Sunday evenings as my mother was deeply infatuated with Raymond Burr who deftly played Mr. Mason. While I watched the first two episodes under duress, I was soon as hooked as my mother was. Back then, lawyers were the world's salvation, saving poor, disheveled schmucks who were in the wrong place at the wrong time and, by accident, had their fingerprints all over the murder weapons. But you knew that Mason, with the help of his secretary Della Street and his private eye Paul Drake, would blow the case wide open, much to the chagrin of the dastardly D.A. Warren Burger and his erstwhile accomplice Lt. Tragg.

"Burger" and "Tragg" - somehow, with names like these, you just know that they're not particularly on the level.

Which brings me to the upcoming trial in which I may play a part. The Perry Mason episodes never dealt with jury selection as that is probably less dramatic than other phases of the trial. I understand, however, that jurors are questioned by either or both the defense attorney(s) and the prosecuting attorney(s). I wonder what sort of questions they will ask.

If it is truly a case of a plumber messing with another man's wife as previously described, my chances of being selected are pretty slim. The questioning may go as follows:

Question: "Juror #63 (that's me) have you ever been overcharged by a plumber?"

Answer: "Of course."

Question: "Have you ever told plumber butt-crack jokes?"

Answer: "Yes, daily."

Question: "Can you recite the three things that plumbers must know in order to be licensed?"
Answer: "Shit flows downhill, the cold water is on the right and payday is on Friday."


Readers, enjoy your day.