ADVENTURE IN MOVING

"Wandering re-establishes the original harmony which once existed between man and the universe”
   -  Anatole France

"Heaven help you if you ever become stable"
   -  College philosophy professor whose name I can't recall

I grew up on a steady diet of adventure. I read many books on mountain climbing, deep sea fishing, and life on the open ocean. I reveled in the adventures of John Gunther's "High Road" series and couldn't get enough of Colonel John D. Craig and the show "Sea Hunt" with Lloyd Bridges. Luckily, the wife, though also very adventurous, has been a stabilizing force in my life and has steadfastly refused to be part of the many adventure schemes that I have cooked up over the past 30 years. Thus, our life aboard the 42-foot ocean catamaran was never to be, nor was the Cactie Restaurant, living in Belize or...many more. Her stability is a good thing as we would have had to declare bankruptcy many years ago had she blindly followed my every adventure whim.

Accordingly, it was with great surprise that in January she proposed that we relocate. After picking myself off the floor I asked the usual questions, the first of which was "why?" Well, it looks as if the wife's spirit of adventure kicked in as it does from time to time. To be sure, I am not opposed to relocating, in fact, the idea is very appealing.

After much discussion as to the "why", we came to the conclusion that in our older years it would be better if we lived in a more temperate climate. Translated: not as much snow. Mind you, we have lived in the wonderfully temperate climate of New Mexico for nine years and enjoyed it immensely. The summers were hot but not unbearably so and the winters were pleasantly cool.

Still though, there was an "experience" that we were seeking - something new, different, exciting and a little crazy. Probably the most "crazy" thing that one can do is to buy a house that one has never seen that is located in a town to which one has never been.

We did it.

In all fairness, with today's technology and the fact that we have friends in the town to which we are moving acting as eyes and ears for us, the idea, while being crazy, is not completely insane (although some may argue that point).

Where are we relocating?

West of Denver, of course.


Readers, enjoy your day.

MEDIEVAL TORTURE

Did you know that there is a Museum of Medieval Torture? I'm not joking. This prime tourist attraction is in Amsterdam. If you go to their website (www.tortureamsterdam.com)...and you know you will...you will find the following description of this incredible palace of torture devices:

The Museum

In the Middle Ages, Torture was a widely known punishment for almost all crimes committed, ranging from rape to murder, and above all for heresy. The type of punishment depended on the victim’s crime and social status. The Museum of Medieval Torture Instruments displays over 100 devices used to torture people during medieval times. This unique collection, recreated by pictures and drawings, serves as a grim reminder of how poorly humans can treat one another. As you look at the devices and read about how they were used, you’ll cringe… you leave thankful our society has pasted (sic) the dark ages behind.

I am indeed thankful that torture in civilized societies is a thing of the past. The exceptions to this are, of course, Justin Bieber, Dancing With the Stars, asparagus and the Denver Nuggets. The other exception is the shoe that podiatrists force their patients to wear after their foot surgery (see picture below). As an instrument of torture it has no equal. The insidious Velcro bands dig sharply into one's foot thus causing blood to flow in reverse. The sole is as stiff as 3/4" plywood. The overall feeling it gives the wearer is akin to wearing a canoe on his/her foot.

And the torture of wearing it goes on for three weeks. Thankfully, my podiatrist gave me the o.k. to wear normal shoes and go back to my usual routine so long as I'm careful not to burst my healing wound. Guess I'll have to postpone my skydiving and ultra-marathon running for a while.

Before resuming any sense of normalcy to my life I plan to go to the post office today and mail the shoe in question to the torture museum as a donation to their collection of medieval torture artifacts. I'm doing this with the full knowledge that the museum will turn down the donation, however generous it may be.

It's just too cruel a device to display.

Readers, enjoy your day.

YOU ASKED FOR IT

I'm going to post a picture of my foot a week post-surgery but will stall a bit so that if any of you are squeamish (and you know who you are) you may want to skip today's entry.

Looking at today's title I am reminded of a TV show from the 50's of the same name. In this show, people would write in and ask for a particular thing (normally improbable acts) to be shown on-air. For example, someone might write in and say that they would like to see someone go over Niagara Falls in a barrel or see how Harry Houdini did his great escape tricks. One summer evening while driving home, my father stopped at a small roadside family fruit and vegetable stand which was tended by a young girl, presumably a child of the family in question. As my father looked over the items for sale deciding which to buy, the girl appeared to grow impatient with the delay. He asked her if she needed to be someplace else and she explained to my father that "You Asked For It" was about to start and she had written in to request that they show something. My father asked her what she had requested and she replied "I asked them to show a gorilla eating a man".

That was a true story that my father told until the day he died.

O.K., folks, here's what the hoof looks like. The doctor ignored my begging and groveling and wouldn't take out the stitches today....one more week. I think it's because he wants to soak me for more money.

Readers, enjoy your day.

SUBSTANCE

Over the years I have observed that, with age, people, especially women, become more appreciative of substance vs. style. This is not "news" by any means and I think that most people who are even casual social observers will find little revelation in the aforementioned observation. Just the same, hear me out. It's not that anything herein written will dazzle you; I'm more interested in wasting some of your time.

Let's talk about men. We're born shallow and we'll die shallow. Again, no secret there. Women are another story. As they age, they truly learn to better appreciate the essential goodness in people, particularly regarding men. Let's take look at the type of male to which a typical 18-year old female may be attracted. Their desirable male criteria may read as follows:

Has money

Good looking
Captain of the football team
Good dancer
Wears nice clothes
Other females find him desirable
Nice car
Life of the party

By the time women reach the age of 40, their tastes reflect more substantive male criteria. Some of the more superficial entities are gone:

Has money

Good looking
Has a job
Buys lunch
Good dancer
Has insurance

Fifty year old women become even more substantive about desirable males:

Has money

Has a job

Has insurance

By the time women reach the age of sixty or older, all pretenses have disappeared and there are but a few things that are meaningful:

Treats me with respect

Makes me laugh

Knows how to unplug a toilet

So, guys, if you're not a hit with the women, just give it time. They get less fussy as they get older. Treat a woman right and the rest will fall into line.

And make sure you know a little about household plumbing.


Readers, enjoy your day.