A RUMOR

You heard it here first: LeBron James will join the Bolshoi Ballet when he retires from basketball.

Ridiculous? Certainly.

While Mr. James is certainly one of the greatest basketball players of all time, the thought of his performing for the Bolshoi is beyond the realm of realistic possibilities. But there are those who may argue differently, citing his rhythmic movements on the basketball court matching well with the graceful movements of a ballet dancer. Others may cite LeBron James' hard work and dedication; in other words, if he says he will do it (by gosh) he will do it! After all, if he can be a great athlete, he can certainly be a great ballet dancer. And his appeal! People would flock to see this famous star performing for the Bolshoi.

The possibilities are endless, say those who are less skeptical than I.

While I have the utmost respect for LeBron James, in a nutshell, he is not well-suited to be a member of the Bolshoi Ballet.

Similar to Mr. James' joining the Bolshoi, there is a veritable gaggle of popular culture, non-political celebrities rumored to be lining up at the gates of the White House hoping to be elected to the Presidency in 2020. The rumored list includes, but is not limited to, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Tom Hanks, Mark Cuban, Oprah Winfrey and (maybe) one or more of the Kardashian sisters.

Did I leave anyone out? Probably.

Out of all these names, dear readers, I ask you to pick out the one that you feel will be the most successful.

As for me, I've made up my mind. I feel strongly that LeBron James would achieve greater success in the Bolshoi Ballet than any of the others would as U.S. President.

AFTERWORD: Truthfully, LeBron James has no intention of joining the Bolshoi Ballet. (At least at this point in time.)

Readers, enjoy your day.

PROBLEMS

Aging baby boomers like myself are constantly bombarded with ads on TV, radio and direct mail regarding problems that we're "supposed" to be experiencing. Among these is Shingles. Admittedly, Shingles (it rhymes with Pringles) can be a miserable condition. That said, I've checked out getting the shot that will prevent the onset of this uncomfortable condition. My curiosity about said inoculation was driven by the always credible Terry Bradshaw's TV ads. Designed to scare the crap out of you, pictures of Shingles sufferers are shown in graphic detail and in full color. Do these scare ads work? I can't speak for others but, because of the sales pitch of Mr. Bradshaw, I ran to my local pharmacy to get more information about the shot. Truthfully, I was only interested in the cost, which I discovered is a whopping $300.

Now I know the meaning of "Shingles sufferers"... they're broke after getting the shot.

But I'm not here to bore both of my readers with tales of personal health care financial suffering. I'd rather bore you with something that really bugs me.

There is considerable advertising directed at men my age regarding "problems in the bedroom". Tune to any golf match, there they are. Tune to any men's do-it-yourself shows, there they are. Even re-runs of Andy Griffith are not immune to the onslaught of ads about this highly personal problem.

Stepping outside of my usual mind-my-own-business demeanor, I did a survey of my male friends.

The findings were astonishing. I was unable to find a single case of bedroom problems among men my age and even among much older men. In short, we have no need for the products that are being sold to address "bedroom problems".

To the advertisers I say "take your sales pitch elsewhere".

The truth is that men my age have no bedroom problems - we sleep just fine.

Readers, enjoy your day.