HOME IMPROVEMENT

I've always enjoyed the challenge of taking on jobs with which I have no experience and about which I know nothing. Hmmm, maybe I should run for President...but I digress.

My latest challenge is a bathroom shower demolition and renovation. To this end I have crammed a lifetime of new knowledge into but a few short weeks. My source of this knowledge is that wonderful fountain of wisdom known as YouTube.

On YouTube confusion reigns supreme regarding construction in general and plumbing in particular. For every master plumber who chimes in with his/her opinion, there are 5 others who say that he/she (in the plumbing vernacular) is full of crap. Thus, one must carefully sift through the rubble of opinions and pick the information that is the least likely to create a biblical flood in one's house.

Now, having watched hundreds of two-minute videos and being a quasi- journeyman plumber, I ventured to my nearest big box home improvement store to gather the materials needed for the project.

The experience was memorable.

I will never mention the name of the store where I bought my materials. This information will go to the grave with me. I mention this solely because I believe in being fair to the store involved. The store in question (which shall remain nameless) is the store that promises the LOWESt prices.

Upon entering this home improvement bastion I was shocked at how few customers were shopping, given the fact that it was a weekend afternoon. Interestingly, employees were similarly scarce. To the one worker that I finally corralled, I posed a question. Unsatisfied with the response, I proceeded to find another employee....and again and again.

Without boring you with the specific question that I posed, the responses were telling. Here's a rundown of what I was told.:

"I don't usually work in this department."
"I'm new here."
"It's time for my break. I'll be back in about 30 minutes."
"Could you spell that?"

This represented the start of this project. How do I feel about it? It's the LOWESt point in my life, LOWEr than you can imagine.

Despite the headaches of purchasing materials, taking on this new challenge is enjoyable. If anyone is so inclined, feel free to ask me any project-related questions over the next few weeks.

Just don't ask me the name of the store.

My lips are sealed.

Readers, enjoy your day.

DREAM

I'm bored senseless when I hear someone talk about dreams that they have had. You know, the dreams that go on forever including Uncle Fred, Henry Kissinger, cousin Margie and the Boston Bruins hockey team.

Which is why I'm going to write about a dream I had last night.

There was a house party. In the corner of the round-shaped room was a tall man with a beautiful and calming voice. People were drawn to him and his lovely wife. He didn't speak much about himself, preferring to speak about the people around him. He attracted a sizable crowd who enjoyed his company and engaging personality.

I was captivated by this man and wished that I could get to know more about him and enjoy more of his delightful stories.

He had a humorous side as well. His approach at humor was always a positive and inclusive one which was careful not to offend anyone. He joked about himself several times which those at the party clearly enjoyed.

Before I could get around to speaking to him in person, he and his wife bid the party farewell. People asked him to stay, not wanting their experience with him to end. He told us that he had other places to go and, with regrets, must leave.

Wanting to meet him personally, I followed him and his wife from the party. I introduced myself to him and his wife and asked them their names. He replied simply "Barack and Michelle" then smiled and waved goodbye.

When I returned to the party, the only voice that could be heard was a loud old guy at the bar who had had way too much to drink.

Wow, what a weird dream.

Readers, enjoy your day.